woah...been ages since my last visit here.

ok straight to the point of what the fuck im doing here after a year plus of inactive,tumblr is way more fun by the way,try it out.i have this old wound that haven't really healed completely,even with time.and from time to time the scumbag brain will dig up this old wound itself,which will normally took a day or two to heal back,temporarily until the next cycle,something like the ladies PMS.
this old wound of mine involves 2 of my used-to-be-best-trusted friends,even more than my family,I shamefully admit.and things somehow went spirally out of control few years back,the where,when,how and why it all started was still a mystery until now,which at first I don't want to know and avoid,mainly to save myself from the further pain and humiliation.see I was stuck in the middle of this fuckin mess,almost feel like I was the cause of this whole mess itself.
since all I ever wanted was both of them to be happy,at that time,so I was prepared to become the sacrificial item,choose to walk away from all this mess and leave them be.
and the dark days of my life begins,everyday I feel like I'm just a walking zombie with my head and heart being dug out within me.i have never or very rarely talked to others about what and how I feel inside because I feel like I'm exposing my own vulnerability and make myself looked weak and a fool,so everyday I put on this mask that shows my tough-and-cold looking exterior but inside I'm just another human being,with my own weakness and fragile spirit that u can just destroy with a gentle blow.
time after time I slowly picked myself up and beginning to find my own path and direction but that old wound will come back and haunt me,too,refusing to heal completely.after that big debacle happened I tried not to contact both of them again because that's what I think is the best for all of us,or both of them at least.its better to let them be happy and not letting them see that broken and acarred me.after the wound did not healed completely for some time,it'll rot and that's when anger and frustration kicks in.i am so angry at this whole situation,angry at myself why did I let this all happened,why I was so stupidly oblivious of something is starting to go wrong and mostly,angry at myself why did i never did adequately right to salvage the situation before it went haywire and to the point of no return.during that period I think I might have depression or some shit,so much anger and frustration in me that I'm starting to just surrender myself to that evil side of me and let it consume me alive.all those anger in me I'm just a step away from calling both of them and yell out everything I could on the phone and vent all those angst,aimed at them.
but in the end,I did nothing.probably because I loved both of them too much to do that,refused to let them see that dark side of me and take this mess to another low point.
but still there are still many things that I wished I could tell them both.sometimes I wonder if it's better if I could just know all the truth and bury that bitching wound once and for all.but it's also because I trusted them too much before,once that deep trust is broken,I don't think it'll come back,ever again.heck,I'm not even sure if I'm going to believe what they say anymore,even if I asked them to be frank for just once for me and come clean everything in a go.
people always say time heals everything,but damn after couple of years,that wound will still bitch from time to time.maybe it's time I let my guard down and be ok with letting people that is sincere in helping me and accepting that fragile part of me.or probably because I was too hung up with my solitary life that I have to start letting people to go deeper inside of me.in the end,scar will somehow leave a mark on us,to remind ourselves of our past mistake,and not to repeat it,right?heck I've survived bike crash that left some wounds on me,too.though I still love to ride my motorbike,that awful feeling of somehow I'm going to die in an instant still lingers.
sometimes when I look back I wonder,what am I to both of them.am I just another human on this planet,or am I a human to them at all?what I've done to deserve all of this,is that how u treat a fellow human,let alone friend?am I even a friend to u guys from the beginning?but still I have to thank both of them for teaching me lesson the hard way in life and force myself to pick myself up and stand on my own again.
enough with the venting,it's getting unhealthy for me.note to self: get a girlfriend.adios motherfuckers.this is me fucking off to face the daily grind tomorrow.